Body x Wise
For the last decade or so, I have avoided the parts of myself that I knew would have the biggest impact on my self-identity if there wasn't some sort of complete and polar opposite outcome in the end. In essence...I have made it a daily habit to avoid success because I am terrified of failure.
So, I excel at learning how to execute many difficult things (especially tasks I've never tried before) in a cycle of busywork that allows me to avoid the one thing I need to do. I have learned how to knock some stuff outta the park ya'll.
I am of the belief that it is highly likely that on my way back from blind folded archery practice...someone will need me to birth their baby with one hand tied behind my back in the middle of a zombie apocalypse while making fresh mozzarella with unicorn milk...right?
At the very least....they won't notice that I'm fat.
But, I notice...because I am a whole 120lbs. heavier than I should ever be. I can feel the weight even when I refuse to acknowledge it in the mirror. It's in the pinch of my jeans around my waist or the sting of a wearing a too tight sleeve all day. I can feel the burn from the heat that rises my cheeks when I'm walking out of a fitting room in Target trying to avoid eye contact with the attendant because none of the XXL clothes I chose fit.
The thing is....it's not even my weight. If you read the backstory for my newest candle scent, NIGHTCAP, you know that I had to kiss a few frogs to realize I didn't like the swamp. I also learned that I allowed my pain to buoy me through my progress and the extra weight turned into my life jacket. Only now...it's starting to feel like I've got sandbags tied around my neck and I'm sinking...fast!
I know I drive my trainer Candice (@candygyrlsfitness) up the wall because I start and stop and start and stop over and over and over again on my quest to get fit, lose 500lbs., and stop sweating like a she-beast every time I try to put jeans on right after a shower.
It's time for me to tackle this awful, scary, heavy, weight. I've gotta drop all of the "stuff" that doesn't belong to me. You know what I mean? Just shed all of the crap that other people left behind for me to carry because their own arms and backs were tired. Since they won't be coming back for it......#ingrates
After I've worked out consistently for at least 30 days, I want to gift myself a do-over. My 21st birthday was travesty (remind me to tell you about it sometime) and I deserve to curate and cultivate an experience that I'll enjoy.
Wish me luck as I work through my fear to meet my first goal and plan a shindig to celebrate! I'm sure the stories I'll live to tell will be more than worth it!