NIGHTCAP: The Backstory

Every candle scent I develop is a way for me to capture a moment in my own rich history + unpack the experience to embrace the lessons it taught me. Sometimes, they are born from stories that I've told around the table a million times....others are moments that I've never shared with anyone.

NIGHTCAP is no different.....

I fell in love with an "older" guy just before my 19th birthday. He was 25, fine, and he looked at me like I only existed to ignite his passion. Our affair was urgent, eruptive, dysfunctional, and fiery. When I was with him...there was no other place I'd rather be. When we were forced to be apart, I craved his touch and to feel the rumble of his heartbeat through his chest. His ebony skin seemed sun-kissed...even in the dark of night. It was smooth like a fine whiskey that's been perfectly aged. He smelled like honey and his cognac eyes blazed with internal firelight.

As beautiful and intense as he was...he was also cruel, destructive, and all-consuming. He ate away at who I was before him, crippled who I was with him, and crushed who I hoped to be long after he was gone. I slowly ceased to exist...and when he had rendered me nearly invisible, he was gone.

I still couldn't tell you how I met my next. The fog I was in was so thick and hazy, it seems like one day he was just there...and he was everything I never knew I needed. Our experience was a nine month long slow burn of affection, regard, generosity, kindness, and patience beyond my mind's capacity to believe in. He loved me on purpose just to give me time to heal from my worst...so I'd have the gumption to find my best. He had these hands....capable, strong, bronzed hands. They seemed like magic to me. Soft enough touch my traumas without causing more damage, and sure enough to steady me when I was shaking and crying out in my darkness. He was cool and calm...never rattled. I did my best to pull him out of character and never raised his voice....or his hands.....to bring me back down to the here and now where I was safe.

He offered to be my safe place forever and I wasn't ready. I left better than I was...but nowhere near where these lessons would take me.

I met my husband a year after that. This time, I knew how to handle flaws with grace, call out red flags without fear, and give pure unadulterated love knowing that I wouldn't be at a loss if I decided that things weren't a great fit and walked away. To this day, I am happily immersed in a slow burn, juke joint, saturday night sway with an amber eyed, patient, attentive, strong, silent type with great hands.

I can't think of one man without conjuring the memories of another. NIGHTCAP is an olfactory ode to all three.

 

2 comments

  • Love this !

    Monica
  • I can read your stories again and again.

    Toni Chin

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